Thierry Boudan Photography Resource / Articles
Whatever Happened to Maternal Instincts?
This may seem a strange question to be raised by a health professional making her living from advising parents about the care of their baby. Nevertheless it is something which I have become increasingly concerned about. Many mothers I am in contact with are becoming more and more dependent on books, health professionals, the internet and their domestic helpers for advice and information on how to care for their babies. This is worrying as the more dependent the mothers become on gleaning information from other sources the less confident they are in themselves. Their judgments about their own baby become shaky and easily shattered by other people either implying they are doing the wrong things or that there is a single, correct, way of bringing up a baby.
When I was training to be a health visitor in the 1970s we were told that 70% of the course was to deskill students of nursing and midwifery practices (only nurses or midwives can undergo health visiting training) and to teach students new skills which would enable us to empower women to become mothers. In other words, the bossy, strongly opinionated but nevertheless caring role of the nurse/midwife is not suitable for helping mothers a few weeks after delivery nor for supporting them through the next five years. What is more important is to provide clients with clear and research-based information and to encourage them to feel confident, capable and able to make decisions about caring for their own baby.
I appreciate that life is quite unique for many people living in Hong Kong who may be living away from their family and who are dealing with changing cultural traditions. Many of the women I see have spent years working hard to achieve good career positions and have had very little contact with babies or young children along the way. Parents confidence is also frequently undermined by well meaning, but bossy, helpers who have had their own kids and cared for many more! All of these pressures can result in parents, particularly the mother, feeling like they know little, which can inhibit their own natural instinct for their baby to develop.
Below I have provided a few pointers with which I hope to encourage and empower new parents and particularly mothers. These pointers capture the approach I hope to adopt with all my clients.
Breastfeeding your baby is the most empowering of all aspects of childcare. Be led by your baby and you will soon learn so much about babys needs. It is also a wonderful feeling looking at your chubby, healthy baby and knowing that you, not your maid or your mother-in-law or the author of a book, is responsible for this wonderful achievement!
There is no right or wrong way to care for a baby. Only a loving and safe way.
Experiment with different techniques. What works for you may not work for your friends baby and vice versa.
Try to do new things alone without an audience; breast feeding, or any other new skill, in front of others is always difficult at first.
Remain flexible; what works today may not work tomorrow.
Know yourself and your own limitations.
Reduce expectations and demands of yourself. Accept that no parent is perfect.
Accept that some days are good and some are bad. The baby also has grumpy days.
Ask for and accept help, especially with the physically exhausting stuff; dont allow help to be imposed on you.
If you are struggling with a problem, seek help but dont shop around too much as overkill of information can leave you confused and lacking in confidence. Once you hear or read something you are confident will help try it.
Recognise when you are having a happy time and when you have done a good job.
Pre-birth decisions about raising babies often change. Review these regularly.
Look after yourself; eat good nutritious food and wholesome snacks.
Sleep when the baby sleeps (why dont people do this?).
Watch other mothers with slightly older babies - you can learn a lot from them by just observing.
Let your baby guide you. For example if the baby seems to want to bite on hard things, find clean safe things for him to bite on. If your baby seems suddenly hungry try to search for a solution yourself without reading advice on formula tins or feeding guides. If your baby giggles when you stroke her tummy then stroke it more. If your baby is grumpy if you go out a lot then limit your outings.
Mothers are almost always right about concerns they have about their baby. If you are worried your baby is sick or concerned something is not right then consult a doctor or other expert.
Avoid competitive parents. Half the time theyre lying about their baby anyway!
Remember, babies really need very little to thrive. They need to:-
GROW
SLEEP
RECEIVE LOTS OF BODY CONTACT
BE WARM AND COMFORTABLE
FEEL SECURE
BE TALKED TO AND RESPONDED TO
If parents are able to apply the above principles to their baby then their nurturing instincts will develop and empower them to care for, and enjoy, their child.
Written by Yvonne Heavyside from The Family Zone Hong Kong.
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